Convergence

The Bachelor and the "Savior Complex"

**Ok, before I say what I have to say, let me give this disclaimer. I started watching The Bachelor for research purposes. Really, it's true! My screenplay "Something Worth Waiting For" pokes fun at dating reality shows like The Bachelor and Flavor of Love, so I figured I should watch the show in order to get some tips. I'm embarrassed to admit that I am an educated woman who is also a reality TV hog; however, I have never seen The Bachelor until this season. And just like all the other terribly heinous reality shows I watch on a regular basis, I got sorta hooked after the first episode. I mean, this show didn't quite make it into appointment TV status. I didn't rearrange my schedule around it like I do some other shows, but I did look forward to finding out who got a rose each week...

That being said...I'm still a little salty that Brad chose Emily. I mean, he went on and on about how he was so into Chantel and he could have fun with her, he felt like he had a lot in common with her, and he felt like he could be himself around her...yada yada yada....And then he goes and chooses someone else. My theory? I think he was fixated on the idea that he wanted to be a father to Emily's daughter, especially since he didn't have a good relationship with his own father growing up. I mean, I think he liked Emily but I think it helped that she had a ready-made family and he could step right in and be the man of the house. Ok fine, Brad, do what you want. (But judging from the after-show, it looks like the couple has been having major problems anyway. Boy, who didn't see that coming?)

But the whole thing made me think about men in general...why is it that men--ok, I'll say some men, not all-- seem to go with the "picture perfect" girl rather than the one that they actually like being around? I just don't get it. I've seen guys spend every waking moment with a girl, having fun, being themselves, feeling comfortable enough to tell all their deep dark secrets, but then when it comes time to choose a wife they go completely in the opposite direction and choose someone they have nothing in common with. Call me crazy but wouldn't you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody who's not only hot but someone you can also call a friend?

And women always get a bad rap for "missionary dating" -- i.e. dating someone with hopes that they can turn the person around, i.e. they can be the one to make them get saved, or they can be the one to make them get a job and make something of their life -- I think men do the same exact thing. I call it the "savior complex." I think some men secretly want to come into the lives of women and "save" them from what they see as destruction or misery. I think to an extent this is what happened with Brad and him wanting to jump in with Emily and be her daughter's, as he put it, "real father." (*scratches head--how is that even possible?). And I've seen my brothers in the church do it with women who weren't even believers or didn't even like coming to church. And people say women don't know what they want...lol. Well, I know what I don't want--someone I have nothing in common with, can't talk to, or am not friends with...but those are just my theories, to each his own...

Anywho, in other news...the rough cut of Class Picture is ready!! Woohoo! I meet with the editor in the morning so that I can look at it. I'm really excited to see the first cut. I've been in talks with the composer as well and he's putting togther some cool 80's-style music for the film as well. I'm really looking forward to having fun with this film and I can't wait to share it with you all! 

Well, here I am pulling another late-nighter as it is now 3:30 am. I love staying up late, though. I feel like I get much more done in the wee hours of the morning. But nevertheless, I do have to be up for my meeting in about 5 hours so I guess I better sign off.

Ciao for now!

The Black Church Is Not Making Me Single!!!!!

Ahhhh!!!! Just when I thought the madness of this article had died down...here I was about to shut my computer down for the night when I saw this come across my Twitter feed:

"More black women single, church possibly to blame - Victoria Advocate http://ow.ly/1bKNUR"

Yes, yes, author Deborah Cooper wrote a blog post last year called "The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African-American Women Single and Lonely," where she suggested that black Christian women should date non-Christians if we expect to beat the statistics that say black men are less likely to claim a religious affiliation than women. A couple months ago, I, along with several other panelists, was on a talk radio show with Cooper discussing her article. While I respect the woman and even many of the points made in her article, I had to keep in mind that Cooper is not a Christian and in no way, shape or form wants to be, and therefore does not understand the importance of being "yoked up" with someone of a similar faith.

But that's beside the point. And that's not what's making me angry here at 3:45 am.

What ticks me off about this is 1) that we're still talking about this article and 2) that people (not just Deborah Cooper) feel a need to place blame anywhere for singleness as if it's some of kind of wretched disease!! While I know that her blog post was only written as a response to Christian women who wrote to her complaining about not having a man, I don't blame the Black church or the White church or any other church for that matter for my singleness (I've got plenty of other issues to do that job :-). If I'm going to point a finger at anyone, I point a finger at society!! I blame society for making women believe that marriage is the end all and be all of life. I'm sure marriage is a great thing, it's a gift from God. BUT SO IS SINGLENESS!!! For once can somebody just affirm that those of us who are single are normal human beings some of which -- wait a minute, here's a news flash...brace yourself -- ARE HAPPY AND CONTENT! Uggg!!

Believe me, I know it's hard out here and the dating pool is not very promising these days. I'm just sick of women putting our lives on hold while we wait for men to "complete" us, and I'm sick of society being the first one to start digging our marriage grave once we hit a certain age. Oh yes, I've heard it all before "What?? You're in your 30s and you're STILL not married? What's wong with you?" "Oh, you poor thing. Don't you worry. It'll happen for one day for you too...Just keep hope alive."

Yes, I'm in my 30's--as a matter of fact I've got a birthday coming up which'll officially put me into my late 30's--and I settled a long time ago that whether I ever get married or not, MY LIFE WILL GO ON...In the words of Jill Scott "I'm living my life like it's golden...," and I think all too often singles idolize marriage, which can be dangerous. Marriage does not solve every problem, and it doesn't necessarily make one less lonely. I know of several married people who've told me that as much as they love their spouse, they still feel alone at times and only God can fulfill that.

Furthermore, I feel like if you're having troubles meeting saved black men at your church the first answer shouldn't be to go find an unsaved black man. Why not open up your options and date outside your race? We all God's children anyway...I've made that mistake before of overlooking a good, Christian man because of the color of his skin and trust me, I won't do it again! If having a man is that serious, open yourself up to the possibility...

For real, ladies, let's begin to embrace and affirm our worth, our value even now without the ring on our finger.  One day I'll post my thoughts about some of the other points made in Cooper's article, but I just had to get that off my chest...

...end rant...

Gimme THAT!

(posted today from "Something Worth Waiting For")

Yesterday my parents celebrated their 47th wedding anniversary. Woohoo! I admit there is a part of me that cringes at the thought of spending that amount of time in the same house and the same bed with one person (I love my “me” time ) But how wonderful must that be to actually spend that amount of time with someone that you not only love but...

To read the rest of this post, click here...

Convergence Lives Again

Guess what everybody? I'm writing a book! Well, actually, the book is already written. Can you believe I've just been sitting on it for the last 5 years? I finally dug it out of the archives and I'm in the process of putting the finishing touches and proofreading it...What's it about, you ask? Well it's actually based on this blog. It's called "Convergence" and it's a memoir of sorts where I take a lot of the poetry/journal entries that I wrote during my college years on topics such as love, faith, fear, death, family, and friendship, and then contrast them with my feelings on those same topics now that I'm older and (supposedly) wiser. :-)

The idea behind the book is that as I look back over my adult life (especially my college years), I went through several changes, all in efforts to find my identity. I've been through a relatively "loose" phase where I partied and drank and had 2-3 different "male friends", then I went through a pseudo "thug" phase where I wore baggy clothes and skullies and only listed to "gangsta" rap. I went through an angry militant phase and a women's lib phase where I was very vocal about everything in life being racist and sexist--all in efforts to find my own voice. Then I became a Christian. And all of that went out the window. I let my faith, and moreso what I had been told about my faith, define who I was and the way I thought. As I got older, I started to realize that yes, my faith does define a lot of who I am. However, I am still a whole person that has thoughts and experiences, feelings and opinions that are valid. In other words, just like the tag says on this blog yes, I am a Christian, but I am also black. I am also a woman. I am also single. I am also an artist. I am also young-"ish" (I'm thinking I may need to change that part of my tag. I'm not sure if people with arthritis can be classified as young :-) Being a woman of faith doesn't mean that I have to throw those aspects of who I am away. It just means that it is a major force that informs those aspects of who I am.

And thus, I started writing the book...and then I started writing the blog to get me ready for the book. But for some reason the book never materialized. Well 2011 is going to be the year that I let my creative juices flow, so get ready! Convergence--the book is on its way!

Screw It. I've Got a Movie to Make...

The past couple of weeks I've been reading Spike Lee's book on the making of his first feature film "She's Gotta Have It." I love reading this kind of stuff because it inspires me to keep making movies "by any means necessary." Spike's attitude throughout everything that I've read so far is, Screw it. Regardless of what happens, I'm going to make this movie. I think you have to have that kind of attitude in order to be a filmmaker, because the odds are usually against you. It's expensive as all get out, sometimes it can take forever to find the right cast, the right crew, and the right equipment. But ultimately you have to have the faith that the movie will get done no matter what. That was the attitude I had when I made my film "Sophisticated Romance." And that's the kind of attitude I have to have now with "Something Worth Waiting For." The only thing now is finding the right balance between working hard to get it done and resting in God's grace.

In the whole 10 years it's taken me to write this script, I don't think I've ever felt more clear about its intended message as I do now. I'm so sick and tired of seeing intelligent women settle for less just because they want to get married. We all make mistakes but at some point we as women have to believe within ourselves that we are, that our love is indeed something worth waiting for. Marriage is great, I'm sure. But in the meantime, let God's love and the love of family and friends, be enough. That's a message I feel strongly about and a message I want to shout from the rooftops. It is really my prayer that God will make a way for me to make this film soon.

Last week while I was in Atlanta, I was able to pitch the project to the Gospel Music Channel. The meeting seemed to go well and they liked the pitch. I'm praying that they like the script enough to greenlight it, but if they don't I still have a movie to make. Some way, some how.

Either I'm Old or I Need to Move to Ohio

So, I decided to enter the dating world again. Yep, yep, yep. Don't ask me why I thought this would be a good time to do this. Working 3 jobs doesn't exactly leave me a lot of time to socialize these days except via the internet--which is why I thought maybe it'd be a good idea to start online dating again. I started out with eHarmony. That's supposed to be the site where all the good Christians go, right? Well, after a 3 month membership the hits started to get sporadic, and most of the men they kept trying to match me up with lived far away or they were over 50 (what are you trying to tell me, eHarmony?) or they had too many pictures posing in their Sunday suit. I just can't.

So...

I canceled that membership and joined Match.com. I've had moderate success with Match in the past, I figured maybe I could find a couple of good dates...not necessarily  a love connection, but at least a fun night on the town...Well, ironically, once I canceled my eHarmony membership and joined Match, eHarmony started sending me all these guys my age, in Atlanta, and who sounded interesting. Thanks eHarmony! Right on time! So here I am stuck with this brand new Match membership and I haven't gotten hardly any hits at all! Maybe it's because I indicated on my profile that I actually like God. You know the whole God thing makes some people get all weird. Maybe I should've just posed in a Sunday suit for all my profile pictures. And all the men that do contact me are pushing 50 (again, what are you trying to tell me, Match???)

So I decided to do my own search and put in the qualities I'm looking for and all the matches came up in Ohio! Who knew?? Ladies, we obviously need to pack it up and head out there 'cuz that's where all the eligible bachelors are.

Add to this I had a dream last night that I was dating some nice specimen of a man...this man was light skinned and had curly hair, which is quite different from the nice, dark-skinned chocolate drops I've dated in the past. Light skinned, 50, Ohio...So maybe God is trying to tell me something here...Maybe what I'm looking for is in the packages I least expect...

Or, maybe I just need to forget the whole thing and get back to work... smh

My Birthday Weekend

So I ended up having a decent birthday/weekend. Wednesday I had to work late but when I got home, Khalilah had a gift waiting for me. It was a can opener with some Twix and Fun Dip (my two favorite candies). It was great because Ive been wanting a new can opener to replace my old school one. And, well, as far as I'm concerned you can never go wrong with Twix and Fun Dip. 

Thursday I went to the Global Night of Worship at Buckhead Church which was AMAZING! I had a great time. Praise and Worship is my favorite part of the service so an hour and a half of it is like heaven to me! Friday I tried a new Indian restaurant with my friend Shandra and it was AMAZING! I'll definitely be back there again. We then went to check out the Tyson documentary. It was very interesting. Disturbing, but interesting. Overall a very good film.

Saturday I had Tea Time with Tony, which is always a blessing. What was funny was that I ran into Michael Wynne while I was there so he joined us and we had some really good conversation. It's always nice to hear the male perspective on some things. And it's always a blessing to hear Tony's ideas and wisdom on things. Tony's one of those people that always wants to know what God is doing in my life and what He's teaching me in this season. It's good to have someone like that in your life so that you can always be aware of how God is moving. Because sometimes we get so busy or frustrated with the things that aren't happening that we forget to see the forest for the trees. After that I hung out for a little while with Jon. He said he had a birthday surprise but we ran out of time so we'll have to do that some other time.

Sunday morning I went to church -- fantastic message. Andy just concluded a series called "God and Country" talking about the moral conscience of America. It was really really good. Sunday afternoon my family and I went to the Green Manor for dinner. If you've never been to the Green Manor you OWE it to yourself to get down there if you like southern cooking. Fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, turnip greens, string beans, dressing, rice, yams....it was all so good!!! I'm still thinking about the chicken even this morning! After that I went to my parents house and then hung out a little while there. Shari had to drop me off at the airport because I left my car there at her job so that we could ride to Green Manor together. Well, while we were in the car we realized that we had gotten hungry again so we stopped at Malone's Bar and Grill and had the BEST crab legs I have ever had in my life! So well seasoned and tender! OMG...I'm still thinking about those too.

Overall it was a good weekend. People say you don't have to celebrate your birthday on just one day. I guess that's true. Tonight I will be celebrating it at my friend Shandra's house. And I still want to celebrate somehow with all my friends and I still want to do karaoke. Looks like I might be celebrating my birthday for the next few weeks!

Day 2 in NYC - Things I Learned Today

Boy am I one tired soul. I forgot that NYC requires so much walking! The good thing, though, is that I've gotten plenty of exercise and it's actually helped my back. It doesn't hurt as much as it has been.

Today I woke up and went for brunch at a place called Sarabeth's. I had a salmon scramble and it was good but it was no Flying Biscuit. After my brunch was when I realized that I was so exhausted from yesterday that I had to go back to my hotel room and take a nap. After resting up a bit I set out to go to the Met.

Since it was such a nice day out and my hotel is so close to Central Park, I got the bright idea to walk through the park to the east side. Huge mistake  -- well kind of. It took a really long time and I got really tired halfway through but once you get that far, there's no turning back. I started to get a little frustrated because I was losing time to spend at the Met. But then I decided to really take in the scenery surrounding me and the day suddenly got a whole lot better. I slowed down my walk, took a seat on a bench, and learned a lot of things during my time in Central Park:

• It's perfectly possible for me to entertain myself. Here I am in NYC with no set agenda and I am having a great time. How's that for an independent woman?
• NY is a place where you have to take risks. Even just getting around on a daily basis requires risk. Hanging out with my friend Rich last night and Priscilla today, I had no idea where I was going. But I had to just take the risk and get on the train and figure it out as I went along. Reading the signs. Such is life. Sometimes we gotta be willing to take risks and figure it out as we go.
• Living in the moment means focusing on and enjoying what's in front of you now instead of always waiting for the destination. For example, taking the time to enjoy Central Park rather than getting frustrated about getting to the Met. I was missing out on the beauty right in front of my face. Also, I'll admit that being here in NY has made me want to move back here. But then I realized that I've got great things going on in Atlanta that I still have yet to take advantage of. The grass always looks greener on the other side. Sometimes it's worth it to sow the seeds in your own yard first.
• The whole time I was here in NY I missed out on a lot. For one thing, I rarely ever went to the east side of town. So today's journey was quite an adventure in and of itself. It's different over there in those parts. For some reason it seems a little cleaner over there. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. 
• Throughout all these years, God has never let go of me. I've had ups and downs before and He's gotten me through. Why should I believe He'd stop now?
• I have to get back to TRUSTING God, not just believing in Him.
• I think me and Jon could have a great friendship if we both tried a teeny bit harder, and if we actually took the time to be friends (whether as boyfriend and girlfriend or not). I'm willing to try.
• Love means reaching out. I was watching this couple in Central Park and watchiing how they interacted with each other. She would put her head on his shoulder. They would read a book together. She would read his text messages on his phone. They would flirt with each other. All from this position. It was very sweet. 

So yeah, I did eventually make it to the Met but they were about to close so I just sat on the steps for a few minutes after trudging all that way through the park. I continued on my journey and went to Starbucks on Lexington & 78th. Then I went to Brooklyn to hang out with my friend Priscilla and her beautiful daughter Sophia. She made dinner and I had such a great time! It took me a long time to get home because I unknowingly got on an express train that skipped my stop. But after a lot of back and forth I finally made it back to my hotel.

Another great day in NY. I know I said it before but I am exhausted!! And, I am ready to go back home to the ATL. I think I got what I came here for. A renewed sense of purpose and drive. As I sat in Central Park, one of my favorite songs came on my iPod and I had to repeat it several times because it gave me great peace. The song is "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman. I'll leave you with the lyrics as a reminder that no matter where you are in life, God's always got your back and He always has something to say to you.

You Never Let Go

by Matt Redman

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Chorus:

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Day 1 in NYC - DO YOU!!

So today is my first day in NYC and so far I'm having a blast!

As soon as I stepped foot off the plane I felt the charge....ok, well maybe I'm being a bit dramatic. But getting on the NE Corridor to Penn Station just brought back all kinds of memories and took me back to a time in my life where I did my thang...

Which is why I wanted to come to NY this week. I'm starting to feel like I'm losing my mojo...like I'm getting to comfortable with things the way they are. I'm comfortable with getting in my car and driving around time. Not having to think, not having to figure things out. Not having to hustle. I just wanted to go someplace where I had to think on my toes again.

When I got to NY I could feel the energy. Everything felt the same as if I had never left it. All of Penn Station was in the same place, it smelled the same, it looked the same. My first stop in NY was my Ben's Pizza on Spring & Thompson. They have the best pizza around imo. They hadn't changed a bit either. Although they do lose one cool point because they no longer having fountain drinks (grape drink and coupon). That place used to be my hangout spot for lunch when I used to work at AIVF on Houston, so it felt good to be back there. For all you NJ/NY'ers who are longing for that REAL NY pizza, here's a picture:

There it is...

And there it went....

I tried to get a picture of the slice before I started eating it but I couldn't help myself. I just had to dig in. The white stuff on the plate is the powdered sugar from my two zeppoles, which were also always part of my routine. :-)

After my lunch, I went ahead and checked in my hotel. Boy is it TINY! Here are some pictures but I don't think the pictures even do justice of showing just how small this room is...

I wish I could've taken a pic of the shower but the bathroom is so small I can't get a good shot of the shower withiut stepping into the toilet. But aw well, I'm not complaining too much. It's a place to lay my head. And it's just for me so it works.

So after resting for a little while, I caught up with a friend of mine named Rich Chew. Rich was an actor in one of my first short films, Soul Connection. He invited me to come with him to a bible study for models. It was really good. I'm glad I went. Maybe I'll have to share more insight on it later because I'm getting increaingly sleepy.

All in all, I'm having  a good time. And what I love most about this trip is that I have wing me to do no agenda. I go wherever the wind takes me and in the meantime it's allowing me to DO ME! I get to set my own pace and chart my own life--not my schedule. Tomorrow I'm supposed to be having dinner with my friend Priscilla. I also make walk through Central Park, pay a visit to the MET  and take in the day.

I"ll keep you posted. Bur right now I'm pooped! I'll give you another recap tomorrow. Peace and G'night!

I Got It Bad, But It's All Good...

Despite what I said in this post, I miss Jon terribly. There. I said it. As a matter of fact, it all started on Valentine's night. I was hanging out with my girls at the movies, watching Mall Cop of all things (yes, we went to see Mall Cop, I figured it would be something to make me laugh). I don't know what it was about the chase scene that made me suddenly feel like I had to tilt my head back to keep the tears from falling. I think because I was thinking of how much I wanted him to be there and crack on the movie with me. Ever since that night I've been sulking over not being able to see him or touch him or talk to him. We said we'd separate for two months so maybe in two months we'll get our relationship on the right track.

All that being said, as much as it hurts, I am glad to be going through this. Pain and hurt suck but they're emotions that maybe we try to run from too much. Let me explain. When I first became a Christian I read a book called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." I thought it was one of the greatest books ever. The main premise of the book was that Christians shouldn't date people, they should court because dating only sets you up to get attached to someone who is not the one God has for you and then you end up getting hurt. Well, isn't hurt a part of life? It almost seems pointless to try and go through life deliberately trying to avoid hurt. If I had never dated Jon I would never have the memories of dancing in my living room. I would've never had the Super Date. I would never have experienced the joys and happiness of that relationship. And if I never hurt, how would I be able to appreciate the one that God does have for me (whether it's Jon or someone else)? That's like someone saying they're never going to leave the house because they might end up getting shot. But if you never leave the house, you miss out on allll that life has to offer because of a fear. Although it's a legitimate fear, would you be willing to sacrifice living your life because of it? 

Each day has been like a roller-coaster for me. One day I'm fine, the next day I'm crying. But I try to take each day as it comes and just roll with my emotions at the given time. Fortunately, I have good friends who have been walking me through this whole thing--not just the breakup but also all the stress I've been having with my job lately, which is a whole different story...I'm so grateful for their listening ears. It's been really helpful with me trying to process my feelings. I think when we hurt it's important to acknowledge the hurt and just walk through it. If you're feeling happy today, embrace it. If not, go ahead and cry or throw a shoe at the wall or something, and pray for God to calm you down...whatever gets you through...

Today I began to wonder about Adam and Eve in the garden. We always talk about the fact that God made Eve to be a helper to Adam in the sense that Adam needed a wife. Could it have been possible that maybe God just created another human being to be Adam's friend? I mean, after all, his only companions at the time were animals. So maybe Eve was created to be someone that Adam could "do life with." Someone who could walk and talk like him, someone he could actually have a dialog with. Someone that could sympathize with his feelings. A friend. She just happened to be hot and they ended up making out and having babies.

The reason I bring that up is because I don't think God meant for us to "do life" alone. Even if you are single, God may have already provided an "Adam" or "Eve" to you in the form of your best friend that will listen to you and sympathize with you in certain situations. And maybe you won't make babies with that Adam or Eve but maybe you can help each other fulfill your dreams. 

Maybe as singles we should stop trying to avoid pain. In the midst of my pain I've realized that I've got some great friends who have been "Adams" and "Eves", "helpers" and "companions" to me. And in the midst of my pain I"ve realized that I love Jon, and that I'm glad I took a chance on starting a relationship with him. Because otherwise I may not have known that kind of love.

I'm not so sure anyone will really understand what I'm trying to say here. Aw well, I tried to make a point. Maybe if I ever see you in person I'll try to explain it better. In the meantime, I'll leave you with this song that's been churning in my head since I woke up this morning. It's one of those "please, baby, baby, please" songs. I've had a real attachment to these kinds of songs the past couple of days. Hey, I'm just being real...it describes where my head is at today....tomorrow it could be "I Bust the Windows Out Your Car...." -- jk :-)

If I had you back in my world
I would prove that I could be a better girl
Oh, oh, oh
If you let me back in
I would sho’nuff never never let you go again (hey baby)
I was so foolish to ever leave your side,
Searching for what was right before my eyes
It was me who didnt realize
’till it was gone but now I know I need you in my life

Boy I need you bad as my heartbeat, (bad like the food I eat)
Bad as the air I breath, (baby I want you bad)
I need you bad I can’t take this pain, (bad I can’t take this pain)
Boy I’m ’bout to go insane (baby I need you bad)
I need you,
I need you,
What I gotta do (baby I want you bad)
I need you,
I need you,
Do it all for you (baby I need you)

(Need U Bad, by Jazminne Sullivan)

Hehe...yeah, I got it bad...but it's all good. This too shall pass...