Convergence

Either I'm Old or I Need to Move to Ohio

So, I decided to enter the dating world again. Yep, yep, yep. Don't ask me why I thought this would be a good time to do this. Working 3 jobs doesn't exactly leave me a lot of time to socialize these days except via the internet--which is why I thought maybe it'd be a good idea to start online dating again. I started out with eHarmony. That's supposed to be the site where all the good Christians go, right? Well, after a 3 month membership the hits started to get sporadic, and most of the men they kept trying to match me up with lived far away or they were over 50 (what are you trying to tell me, eHarmony?) or they had too many pictures posing in their Sunday suit. I just can't.

So...

I canceled that membership and joined Match.com. I've had moderate success with Match in the past, I figured maybe I could find a couple of good dates...not necessarily  a love connection, but at least a fun night on the town...Well, ironically, once I canceled my eHarmony membership and joined Match, eHarmony started sending me all these guys my age, in Atlanta, and who sounded interesting. Thanks eHarmony! Right on time! So here I am stuck with this brand new Match membership and I haven't gotten hardly any hits at all! Maybe it's because I indicated on my profile that I actually like God. You know the whole God thing makes some people get all weird. Maybe I should've just posed in a Sunday suit for all my profile pictures. And all the men that do contact me are pushing 50 (again, what are you trying to tell me, Match???)

So I decided to do my own search and put in the qualities I'm looking for and all the matches came up in Ohio! Who knew?? Ladies, we obviously need to pack it up and head out there 'cuz that's where all the eligible bachelors are.

Add to this I had a dream last night that I was dating some nice specimen of a man...this man was light skinned and had curly hair, which is quite different from the nice, dark-skinned chocolate drops I've dated in the past. Light skinned, 50, Ohio...So maybe God is trying to tell me something here...Maybe what I'm looking for is in the packages I least expect...

Or, maybe I just need to forget the whole thing and get back to work... smh

My Birthday Weekend

So I ended up having a decent birthday/weekend. Wednesday I had to work late but when I got home, Khalilah had a gift waiting for me. It was a can opener with some Twix and Fun Dip (my two favorite candies). It was great because Ive been wanting a new can opener to replace my old school one. And, well, as far as I'm concerned you can never go wrong with Twix and Fun Dip. 

Thursday I went to the Global Night of Worship at Buckhead Church which was AMAZING! I had a great time. Praise and Worship is my favorite part of the service so an hour and a half of it is like heaven to me! Friday I tried a new Indian restaurant with my friend Shandra and it was AMAZING! I'll definitely be back there again. We then went to check out the Tyson documentary. It was very interesting. Disturbing, but interesting. Overall a very good film.

Saturday I had Tea Time with Tony, which is always a blessing. What was funny was that I ran into Michael Wynne while I was there so he joined us and we had some really good conversation. It's always nice to hear the male perspective on some things. And it's always a blessing to hear Tony's ideas and wisdom on things. Tony's one of those people that always wants to know what God is doing in my life and what He's teaching me in this season. It's good to have someone like that in your life so that you can always be aware of how God is moving. Because sometimes we get so busy or frustrated with the things that aren't happening that we forget to see the forest for the trees. After that I hung out for a little while with Jon. He said he had a birthday surprise but we ran out of time so we'll have to do that some other time.

Sunday morning I went to church -- fantastic message. Andy just concluded a series called "God and Country" talking about the moral conscience of America. It was really really good. Sunday afternoon my family and I went to the Green Manor for dinner. If you've never been to the Green Manor you OWE it to yourself to get down there if you like southern cooking. Fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, turnip greens, string beans, dressing, rice, yams....it was all so good!!! I'm still thinking about the chicken even this morning! After that I went to my parents house and then hung out a little while there. Shari had to drop me off at the airport because I left my car there at her job so that we could ride to Green Manor together. Well, while we were in the car we realized that we had gotten hungry again so we stopped at Malone's Bar and Grill and had the BEST crab legs I have ever had in my life! So well seasoned and tender! OMG...I'm still thinking about those too.

Overall it was a good weekend. People say you don't have to celebrate your birthday on just one day. I guess that's true. Tonight I will be celebrating it at my friend Shandra's house. And I still want to celebrate somehow with all my friends and I still want to do karaoke. Looks like I might be celebrating my birthday for the next few weeks!

Day 2 in NYC - Things I Learned Today

Boy am I one tired soul. I forgot that NYC requires so much walking! The good thing, though, is that I've gotten plenty of exercise and it's actually helped my back. It doesn't hurt as much as it has been.

Today I woke up and went for brunch at a place called Sarabeth's. I had a salmon scramble and it was good but it was no Flying Biscuit. After my brunch was when I realized that I was so exhausted from yesterday that I had to go back to my hotel room and take a nap. After resting up a bit I set out to go to the Met.

Since it was such a nice day out and my hotel is so close to Central Park, I got the bright idea to walk through the park to the east side. Huge mistake  -- well kind of. It took a really long time and I got really tired halfway through but once you get that far, there's no turning back. I started to get a little frustrated because I was losing time to spend at the Met. But then I decided to really take in the scenery surrounding me and the day suddenly got a whole lot better. I slowed down my walk, took a seat on a bench, and learned a lot of things during my time in Central Park:

• It's perfectly possible for me to entertain myself. Here I am in NYC with no set agenda and I am having a great time. How's that for an independent woman?
• NY is a place where you have to take risks. Even just getting around on a daily basis requires risk. Hanging out with my friend Rich last night and Priscilla today, I had no idea where I was going. But I had to just take the risk and get on the train and figure it out as I went along. Reading the signs. Such is life. Sometimes we gotta be willing to take risks and figure it out as we go.
• Living in the moment means focusing on and enjoying what's in front of you now instead of always waiting for the destination. For example, taking the time to enjoy Central Park rather than getting frustrated about getting to the Met. I was missing out on the beauty right in front of my face. Also, I'll admit that being here in NY has made me want to move back here. But then I realized that I've got great things going on in Atlanta that I still have yet to take advantage of. The grass always looks greener on the other side. Sometimes it's worth it to sow the seeds in your own yard first.
• The whole time I was here in NY I missed out on a lot. For one thing, I rarely ever went to the east side of town. So today's journey was quite an adventure in and of itself. It's different over there in those parts. For some reason it seems a little cleaner over there. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. 
• Throughout all these years, God has never let go of me. I've had ups and downs before and He's gotten me through. Why should I believe He'd stop now?
• I have to get back to TRUSTING God, not just believing in Him.
• I think me and Jon could have a great friendship if we both tried a teeny bit harder, and if we actually took the time to be friends (whether as boyfriend and girlfriend or not). I'm willing to try.
• Love means reaching out. I was watching this couple in Central Park and watchiing how they interacted with each other. She would put her head on his shoulder. They would read a book together. She would read his text messages on his phone. They would flirt with each other. All from this position. It was very sweet. 

So yeah, I did eventually make it to the Met but they were about to close so I just sat on the steps for a few minutes after trudging all that way through the park. I continued on my journey and went to Starbucks on Lexington & 78th. Then I went to Brooklyn to hang out with my friend Priscilla and her beautiful daughter Sophia. She made dinner and I had such a great time! It took me a long time to get home because I unknowingly got on an express train that skipped my stop. But after a lot of back and forth I finally made it back to my hotel.

Another great day in NY. I know I said it before but I am exhausted!! And, I am ready to go back home to the ATL. I think I got what I came here for. A renewed sense of purpose and drive. As I sat in Central Park, one of my favorite songs came on my iPod and I had to repeat it several times because it gave me great peace. The song is "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman. I'll leave you with the lyrics as a reminder that no matter where you are in life, God's always got your back and He always has something to say to you.

You Never Let Go

by Matt Redman

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Chorus:

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Day 1 in NYC - DO YOU!!

So today is my first day in NYC and so far I'm having a blast!

As soon as I stepped foot off the plane I felt the charge....ok, well maybe I'm being a bit dramatic. But getting on the NE Corridor to Penn Station just brought back all kinds of memories and took me back to a time in my life where I did my thang...

Which is why I wanted to come to NY this week. I'm starting to feel like I'm losing my mojo...like I'm getting to comfortable with things the way they are. I'm comfortable with getting in my car and driving around time. Not having to think, not having to figure things out. Not having to hustle. I just wanted to go someplace where I had to think on my toes again.

When I got to NY I could feel the energy. Everything felt the same as if I had never left it. All of Penn Station was in the same place, it smelled the same, it looked the same. My first stop in NY was my Ben's Pizza on Spring & Thompson. They have the best pizza around imo. They hadn't changed a bit either. Although they do lose one cool point because they no longer having fountain drinks (grape drink and coupon). That place used to be my hangout spot for lunch when I used to work at AIVF on Houston, so it felt good to be back there. For all you NJ/NY'ers who are longing for that REAL NY pizza, here's a picture:

There it is...

And there it went....

I tried to get a picture of the slice before I started eating it but I couldn't help myself. I just had to dig in. The white stuff on the plate is the powdered sugar from my two zeppoles, which were also always part of my routine. :-)

After my lunch, I went ahead and checked in my hotel. Boy is it TINY! Here are some pictures but I don't think the pictures even do justice of showing just how small this room is...

I wish I could've taken a pic of the shower but the bathroom is so small I can't get a good shot of the shower withiut stepping into the toilet. But aw well, I'm not complaining too much. It's a place to lay my head. And it's just for me so it works.

So after resting for a little while, I caught up with a friend of mine named Rich Chew. Rich was an actor in one of my first short films, Soul Connection. He invited me to come with him to a bible study for models. It was really good. I'm glad I went. Maybe I'll have to share more insight on it later because I'm getting increaingly sleepy.

All in all, I'm having  a good time. And what I love most about this trip is that I have wing me to do no agenda. I go wherever the wind takes me and in the meantime it's allowing me to DO ME! I get to set my own pace and chart my own life--not my schedule. Tomorrow I'm supposed to be having dinner with my friend Priscilla. I also make walk through Central Park, pay a visit to the MET  and take in the day.

I"ll keep you posted. Bur right now I'm pooped! I'll give you another recap tomorrow. Peace and G'night!

I Got It Bad, But It's All Good...

Despite what I said in this post, I miss Jon terribly. There. I said it. As a matter of fact, it all started on Valentine's night. I was hanging out with my girls at the movies, watching Mall Cop of all things (yes, we went to see Mall Cop, I figured it would be something to make me laugh). I don't know what it was about the chase scene that made me suddenly feel like I had to tilt my head back to keep the tears from falling. I think because I was thinking of how much I wanted him to be there and crack on the movie with me. Ever since that night I've been sulking over not being able to see him or touch him or talk to him. We said we'd separate for two months so maybe in two months we'll get our relationship on the right track.

All that being said, as much as it hurts, I am glad to be going through this. Pain and hurt suck but they're emotions that maybe we try to run from too much. Let me explain. When I first became a Christian I read a book called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." I thought it was one of the greatest books ever. The main premise of the book was that Christians shouldn't date people, they should court because dating only sets you up to get attached to someone who is not the one God has for you and then you end up getting hurt. Well, isn't hurt a part of life? It almost seems pointless to try and go through life deliberately trying to avoid hurt. If I had never dated Jon I would never have the memories of dancing in my living room. I would've never had the Super Date. I would never have experienced the joys and happiness of that relationship. And if I never hurt, how would I be able to appreciate the one that God does have for me (whether it's Jon or someone else)? That's like someone saying they're never going to leave the house because they might end up getting shot. But if you never leave the house, you miss out on allll that life has to offer because of a fear. Although it's a legitimate fear, would you be willing to sacrifice living your life because of it? 

Each day has been like a roller-coaster for me. One day I'm fine, the next day I'm crying. But I try to take each day as it comes and just roll with my emotions at the given time. Fortunately, I have good friends who have been walking me through this whole thing--not just the breakup but also all the stress I've been having with my job lately, which is a whole different story...I'm so grateful for their listening ears. It's been really helpful with me trying to process my feelings. I think when we hurt it's important to acknowledge the hurt and just walk through it. If you're feeling happy today, embrace it. If not, go ahead and cry or throw a shoe at the wall or something, and pray for God to calm you down...whatever gets you through...

Today I began to wonder about Adam and Eve in the garden. We always talk about the fact that God made Eve to be a helper to Adam in the sense that Adam needed a wife. Could it have been possible that maybe God just created another human being to be Adam's friend? I mean, after all, his only companions at the time were animals. So maybe Eve was created to be someone that Adam could "do life with." Someone who could walk and talk like him, someone he could actually have a dialog with. Someone that could sympathize with his feelings. A friend. She just happened to be hot and they ended up making out and having babies.

The reason I bring that up is because I don't think God meant for us to "do life" alone. Even if you are single, God may have already provided an "Adam" or "Eve" to you in the form of your best friend that will listen to you and sympathize with you in certain situations. And maybe you won't make babies with that Adam or Eve but maybe you can help each other fulfill your dreams. 

Maybe as singles we should stop trying to avoid pain. In the midst of my pain I've realized that I've got some great friends who have been "Adams" and "Eves", "helpers" and "companions" to me. And in the midst of my pain I"ve realized that I love Jon, and that I'm glad I took a chance on starting a relationship with him. Because otherwise I may not have known that kind of love.

I'm not so sure anyone will really understand what I'm trying to say here. Aw well, I tried to make a point. Maybe if I ever see you in person I'll try to explain it better. In the meantime, I'll leave you with this song that's been churning in my head since I woke up this morning. It's one of those "please, baby, baby, please" songs. I've had a real attachment to these kinds of songs the past couple of days. Hey, I'm just being real...it describes where my head is at today....tomorrow it could be "I Bust the Windows Out Your Car...." -- jk :-)

If I had you back in my world
I would prove that I could be a better girl
Oh, oh, oh
If you let me back in
I would sho’nuff never never let you go again (hey baby)
I was so foolish to ever leave your side,
Searching for what was right before my eyes
It was me who didnt realize
’till it was gone but now I know I need you in my life

Boy I need you bad as my heartbeat, (bad like the food I eat)
Bad as the air I breath, (baby I want you bad)
I need you bad I can’t take this pain, (bad I can’t take this pain)
Boy I’m ’bout to go insane (baby I need you bad)
I need you,
I need you,
What I gotta do (baby I want you bad)
I need you,
I need you,
Do it all for you (baby I need you)

(Need U Bad, by Jazminne Sullivan)

Hehe...yeah, I got it bad...but it's all good. This too shall pass...

Will V-Day Be a Happy Day For Me?

 Here I am 13 minutes before what many single people consider to be the most depressing day of the year. The big V.

Well, I'm not gonna let that be me.

Although I hadn't expected to be single this Valentine's Day, I'm not going to let this day make me forget that I am still loved. I decided to come down to Stockbridge and spend a couple days with the fam. I'm really glad I did. There's nothing like a good hug and talk from moms when you're going through a breakup to help you feel better.

I love my moms. She's such a strong woman and very wise. I think one of the things that I appreciate the most about my mom is that I've always known her to be a woman of faith but she's not spooky about it. She's very practical. Tonight she shared some of her dating/relationship stories from her past and it was really good to hear about her experiences. But talking with her just reminded me and encouraged me to always follow my heart, even when it doesn't necessarily seem favorable to the head.

Even though I have my moments, I'm feeling good. I'm staying busy. I'm laughing. I'm amazed at how quickly my social calendar has filled back up since the break up. And it feels so good that so many of my friends have shown their love and support since hearing the news.  When you're surrounded by good people you can get through tough situations.

The cool thing is that throughout the day today I've been getting reminders that Valentine's Day is not just for lovers. It' s also a time to just be with the people you love. That sounds like a great Valentine's Day to me.

Well it is now 12:13 am on Saturday, February 14 and I'm nodding off. Think I'll be going to sleep now. Then, spend the day with the fam, hang out tonight with the girls. It's gonna be a good day...

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Well, it's official. Jon and I broke up today. I'm not really sure how to feel. I'm part relieved, part sad, and part angry. Relieved because I've felt like there were problems for quite some time and was starting to feel as though I was crazy because I was the only one seeing the problems. So I was relieved that he was starting to see/experience what I had been talking about a little bit. Sad because I won't be seeing him or talking to him. And angry because I feel misunderstood. Misunderstood about what I want an expect from a boyfriend and, ultimately, a mate.

I wasn't really expecting that to happen today, but I just know within my heart of hearts that it was the right thing to do.

Hello 2009!! I Hope I LIKE You

So this is it! My first blog post of 2009! You would have gotten this on January 1 but the battery on my camera died and I didn’t want to put up a post without my NYE pictures. I gotta say, this past New Year’s Eve may have been one of the best NYEs I have every had. It’s not like I did anything super major. I just spent the evening chillin’ with some dear friends that I like.

I’m starting to realize how important it is to have people in your life that you like. Not people that you tolerate. Maybe not even people you love. Sometimes we love people because we feel obligated, because we feel like we should, or because they have certain qualities that we are attracted to. But how many people do you have in your life that you actually LIKE? People that you actually want to hang around if for no other reason than to share a laugh or two or to share some good conversation.  There’s some people in my life that I find myself clamoring to spend time with because I LIKE them. I like being around them. Do you have people in your life like that?

So yeah, nice time. I cooked a lot of food, including these yummy raspberry parfaits...
 

So New Year's is a time when most people make resolutions. I do believe in resolutions and goals, even though some of them I do not always keep. One of my goals for 2009 is to stay current with my blog and to post pictures as I take them. I kind of slacked off in that area as you can see from my Facebook page, where I just posted all of my pictures from 2008. I'll do better this year.

My other goal is to get back into the groove with movie-watching. I was a total slacker in this area in '08. I didn't stay very up-to-date with the latest indie flicks so I missed a lot of good ones last year. Now that my friend Angela is back in town I've got more motivation to get back into the swing of things. Already she and I have gone to see Doubt and we're going to see Last Chance Harvey on Monday.

Career-wise, in 2008 I kind of allowed myself to sink into some kind of cocoon. I spent most of my time editing projects, I didn’t direct a whole lot this year. I also didn’t socialize in the film community very much in ’08. It was a year that I stayed locked up behind a computer and a spinning wheel. So this year, I’m going to make it a point to step out of my cocoon and get myself active again in the
Atlanta film community. I also want to make it a point to direct more projects this year. I’d like to direct some more music videos and a couple of shorts too.

Other goals include:

• getting into a consistent workout routine
• actually finishing my screenplay, "Something Worth Waiting For"
• travelling
• starting to make the film about my mother's life
• spending time with the people I love (and like)

I guess that's a lot for one year. But one thing I did learn during this break is that there are actually enough hours in the day. I just have to do a better job at managing them. I learned that because I did get a lot accomplished over the 3-week break. Only 1 more day and my break is over. :-( Time to go back and teach the chi'ren. I dread going back because I have really enjoyed the rest and I wish I could have just one more week. Ah well, such is life. Back to the grind...

So long, 2008! Hello 2009! Hopefully I will like you!

  

Love Lesson #1: I'm a Scumbag (Or, Love Is Giving)

Being in a relationship has definitely been teaching me a lot. About life, about myself, and about what it means to love someone. So I thought I'd start a new category on Convergence called Love Lessons, where I can share with you some of the things I've been learning as I go along this journey.....

So I just had my weekly date with Jon and he just let me know what a scumbag I am. Well, not really. He didn't exactly call me a scumbag. But he did let me know how selfish I can be. Relationships are great but they can be really hard. You really have to put yourself aside. Loving is giving. But me? It's like "Yeah, babe, I feel like we're not spending enough time together. But here's the catch. You need to always go out of your way to come and visit me so that I don't have to leave the comforts of my own home." Sometimes I'm surprised that Jon has put up with me for this long. I'm surprised that he still wants to be friends with me, much less marry me. Loving is giving. Loving is giving. I guess I still have a lot to learn about what it means to love someone. I'm very fortunate to have him in my life. Gotta love that guy.

Random Thoughts on a Monday Night #2

Sigh. Well it's another one of those nights where I have everything and nothing to say.

Today was a great day. Very busy. Khalilah and I walked to Goldberg's and had breakfast while we chopped it up about a book idea we've been stewing over for quite some time. It felt good because we got some exercise done for today and we had a productive meeting. After that we walked back to the house and then took my car to the shop (brakes). Then Jon came and picked me up and we went to go see Hancock at the dollar movie theater. We both actually liked the film, despite some of the reviews I've heard from other people. I loved the fact that it was a different take on the whole superhero theme--a superhero that nobody likes. Pretty cool. And it was surprisingly funny too. I loved the character development, especially in the beginning. I did begin to get a bit confused by the end, though. Brother/sister, Husband/wife--huh? Those of you that saw it know what I'm talking about. A little weird, but overall I thought it was a good movie.

After that Khalilah and I went to a gospel choir concert at Philips Arena. We were both a little apprehensive about going since it's been a loooonng time since we've been to something like that. It's been a long time since we've listened to gospel music and been in that type of environment. I think the both of us are still a little bit cynical, a bit scorned, a bit bitter about the whole "church" scene and culture. But it ended up being a little fun. At least we heard some good music.

I came home feeling like I really wished Jon were here when I got home. Just to have him here, to talk to him, to cuddle up next to him and watch TV with him. Sigh again. This relationship thing is something else. I had really gotten to a point where I NEVER thought I'd be feeling this way. I mean, I was really just fine being single. And I still am. To a degree. I just want to be with him more and more. I don't know. I'm crazy.

I'm going through another one of those artist crises, where it just feels like I suck as an artist, like I have nothing to give, nothing to offer the world. I know that's nothing but a lie, but that's how I feel sometimes. And I really have to pray to fight those feelings. Jon gave me some really encouraging words the other day that I've been chewing on the past couple days. It's just that things seem so uncertain right now with my job that I feel like I need to go back to making things happen on my own. But I'm so afraid.

I remember once reading this book called "Why You Act the Way You Do" by Tim LaHaye. It was a great book about personality temperments. I learned from that book that I have a MelPhleg temperment. That means I'm part melancholy and part phlegmatic. Both of those temperments are very introverted and also very artistic. The melancholy, in particular, is usually very artistic but at the same time they are usually the most prone to depression, worry, and fear. I read that book a long time ago but one thing that I always remember is how it said that often with melancholies, once they've completed a major project or a major masterpiece, they go through a period of extreme self-doubt and self-criticism where they just fall into this rut of feeling like their work is just not good enough. I've noticed that about myself. I finished Sophisticated Romance a long time ago but it's finishing up it's festival run and now it's time for me to work on something new. But I feel so afraid. So inadequate. But I KNOW I've got the chops to do it again. It's just trying to convince myself and my conscience of that.

Well anyway. I think I've rambled enough for a Monday night. It's time for me to finish preparing for class tomorrow. It's Week 9 at school already! Next week is finals. I'm looking forward to the break.