Despite what I said in this post, I miss Jon terribly. There. I said it. As a matter of fact, it all started on Valentine's night. I was hanging out with my girls at the movies, watching Mall Cop of all things (yes, we went to see Mall Cop, I figured it would be something to make me laugh). I don't know what it was about the chase scene that made me suddenly feel like I had to tilt my head back to keep the tears from falling. I think because I was thinking of how much I wanted him to be there and crack on the movie with me. Ever since that night I've been sulking over not being able to see him or touch him or talk to him. We said we'd separate for two months so maybe in two months we'll get our relationship on the right track.
All that being said, as much as it hurts, I am glad to be going through this. Pain and hurt suck but they're emotions that maybe we try to run from too much. Let me explain. When I first became a Christian I read a book called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." I thought it was one of the greatest books ever. The main premise of the book was that Christians shouldn't date people, they should court because dating only sets you up to get attached to someone who is not the one God has for you and then you end up getting hurt. Well, isn't hurt a part of life? It almost seems pointless to try and go through life deliberately trying to avoid hurt. If I had never dated Jon I would never have the memories of dancing in my living room. I would've never had the Super Date. I would never have experienced the joys and happiness of that relationship. And if I never hurt, how would I be able to appreciate the one that God does have for me (whether it's Jon or someone else)? That's like someone saying they're never going to leave the house because they might end up getting shot. But if you never leave the house, you miss out on allll that life has to offer because of a fear. Although it's a legitimate fear, would you be willing to sacrifice living your life because of it?
Each day has been like a roller-coaster for me. One day I'm fine, the next day I'm crying. But I try to take each day as it comes and just roll with my emotions at the given time. Fortunately, I have good friends who have been walking me through this whole thing--not just the breakup but also all the stress I've been having with my job lately, which is a whole different story...I'm so grateful for their listening ears. It's been really helpful with me trying to process my feelings. I think when we hurt it's important to acknowledge the hurt and just walk through it. If you're feeling happy today, embrace it. If not, go ahead and cry or throw a shoe at the wall or something, and pray for God to calm you down...whatever gets you through...
Today I began to wonder about Adam and Eve in the garden. We always talk about the fact that God made Eve to be a helper to Adam in the sense that Adam needed a wife. Could it have been possible that maybe God just created another human being to be Adam's friend? I mean, after all, his only companions at the time were animals. So maybe Eve was created to be someone that Adam could "do life with." Someone who could walk and talk like him, someone he could actually have a dialog with. Someone that could sympathize with his feelings. A friend. She just happened to be hot and they ended up making out and having babies.
The reason I bring that up is because I don't think God meant for us to "do life" alone. Even if you are single, God may have already provided an "Adam" or "Eve" to you in the form of your best friend that will listen to you and sympathize with you in certain situations. And maybe you won't make babies with that Adam or Eve but maybe you can help each other fulfill your dreams.
Maybe as singles we should stop trying to avoid pain. In the midst of my pain I've realized that I've got some great friends who have been "Adams" and "Eves", "helpers" and "companions" to me. And in the midst of my pain I"ve realized that I love Jon, and that I'm glad I took a chance on starting a relationship with him. Because otherwise I may not have known that kind of love.
I'm not so sure anyone will really understand what I'm trying to say here. Aw well, I tried to make a point. Maybe if I ever see you in person I'll try to explain it better. In the meantime, I'll leave you with this song that's been churning in my head since I woke up this morning. It's one of those "please, baby, baby, please" songs. I've had a real attachment to these kinds of songs the past couple of days. Hey, I'm just being real...it describes where my head is at today....tomorrow it could be "I Bust the Windows Out Your Car...." -- jk :-)
If I had you back in my world
I would prove that I could be a better girl
Oh, oh, oh
If you let me back in
I would sho’nuff never never let you go again (hey baby)
I was so foolish to ever leave your side,
Searching for what was right before my eyes
It was me who didnt realize
’till it was gone but now I know I need you in my life
Boy I need you bad as my heartbeat, (bad like the food I eat)
Bad as the air I breath, (baby I want you bad)
I need you bad I can’t take this pain, (bad I can’t take this pain)
Boy I’m ’bout to go insane (baby I need you bad)
I need you,
I need you,
What I gotta do (baby I want you bad)
I need you,
I need you,
Do it all for you (baby I need you)
(Need U Bad, by Jazminne Sullivan)
Hehe...yeah, I got it bad...but it's all good. This too shall pass...
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