Convergence

The View From the Beach - Day 3

Yesterday’s lab was pretty amazing. We started out by listing our character traits and then listing which one of our character traits are in tension with one another. For example, I am a dreamer and I’m hopeful, but I’m also fearful and doubtful. I’m very goal-oriented but I’m also a procrastinator. Last night our assignment was to write down our top 10 desires. I didn’t expect that exercise to be that difficult or that painful for me but it was. It was painful because I realized that I have some desires that I may have given up hope for. Some desires I expected God to have met by now, and quite frankly the fact that he hasn’t leaves me to wonder if they’ll ever be met. Wondering if maybe I’ve done something to prevent them from being met. In the event of full disclosure, I’ll go ahead and share my desires with you all:

• • I want to get through this assignment without crying.
• • I want to be held.
• • I want to forget what’s it like to be held.
• • I want my relationship with God to be like it used to be.
• • I want to be a full-time filmmaker and a part-time teacher, instead of the other way around.
• • I want $1 million to make my film Something Worth Waiting For.
• • I want to travel around with my film SWWF and talk REAL TALK with women about the joys and pains of singleness
• • I want to bring my students with me on a shoot.
• • I want be a better aunt.
• • I want to stop teaching COM 1109.

From there, we took our character traits and then took our top 5 desires and created a story idea based around our character tensions and our desires. It was a really cool exercise because on a practical level, I came away with 5 new script ideas which were kinda cool and had some pretty good character dimension. But what the exercise also helped me do was to just take a look at my innermost yearnings and deal with those. I think deep down inside I often doubt this whole filmmaking thing. Like I doubt that I have what it takes, I doubt that God’ll really do it...

But this exercise helped me to see that this filmmaking thing is something that is burned inside of me. It’s something bigger than me. While we were waiting for one of the sessions to start, this lady turned to me and said that she feels like there is this power, this fighter inside of me that needs to get out. She kept saying that people need what I have…and she’s not the first person to tell me those SAME EXACT WORDS…I do believe that I have a voice. And I believe that it’s nothing but the enemy trying to suppress that and make me doubt…

Lord, re-ignite that fire within me to create, to fight, to dream again…

The View From the Beach - Day 2

Well, yesterday was my first day at the Art Within Lab and I must say my world is being wrecked already. As a matter of fact, the wreckage already began on my way down here in the car. I'm already being challenged to rethink things pertaining to my writing and even pertaining to my career...

I'm telling you, this lab is pretty intense...in the sense that we're pretty much going all day long. But the time goes by so fast! Needless to say, so far I'm getting some interesting insight about my writing and even about my career path in general. Last night we did an exercise where we had to share clips from films that moved us to action, moved us to anger, and moved us to say "amen". My three movies (in order) were Do the Right Thing, Revolutionary Road, and Pursuit of Happyness. Then we had to look at each other's films and find the common threads. Here were some of my threads...

• All of the movies I chose were character-driven
• There was an urgency hope in all of the movies I chose -- in some an expected hope that was deferred, in others a hope achieved
• In each film I chose there was some form of societal pressure that was preventing the characters from having freedom.
• There was a constant theme of family.
• There were constant themes of freedom vs. trapped and honesty vs. idealism
• The scenes I chose were very complicated; they were difficult subjects to talk about
• there was a lot of passion in the films and in the issues they dealt with

Im not sure if you've seen the movies I referenced above but these threads that my peers pointed out really meant a lot of me in terms of trying to understand my voice as a filmmaker. I think a lot of what they said was on target, and I'm trying to process what that means and what that looks like for my art.

I'm really looking forward to the rest of these 2 weeks to try and flesh that out. I will keep you posted...

In the meantime, we are in the midst of a hurricane warning here. Yes, Hurricane Ida is scheduled to strike mid-afternoon. So far right now we're getting a lot of wind and that's about it. The waves don't look too high. We haven't talked about leaving yet, the news said it should be a Category 1 storm by the time it hits here so we'll see what happens. It's just now starting to rain now as I type this...Going to get breakfast now, I'll keep you all posted on what happens!

Either I'm Old or I Need to Move to Ohio

So, I decided to enter the dating world again. Yep, yep, yep. Don't ask me why I thought this would be a good time to do this. Working 3 jobs doesn't exactly leave me a lot of time to socialize these days except via the internet--which is why I thought maybe it'd be a good idea to start online dating again. I started out with eHarmony. That's supposed to be the site where all the good Christians go, right? Well, after a 3 month membership the hits started to get sporadic, and most of the men they kept trying to match me up with lived far away or they were over 50 (what are you trying to tell me, eHarmony?) or they had too many pictures posing in their Sunday suit. I just can't.

So...

I canceled that membership and joined Match.com. I've had moderate success with Match in the past, I figured maybe I could find a couple of good dates...not necessarily  a love connection, but at least a fun night on the town...Well, ironically, once I canceled my eHarmony membership and joined Match, eHarmony started sending me all these guys my age, in Atlanta, and who sounded interesting. Thanks eHarmony! Right on time! So here I am stuck with this brand new Match membership and I haven't gotten hardly any hits at all! Maybe it's because I indicated on my profile that I actually like God. You know the whole God thing makes some people get all weird. Maybe I should've just posed in a Sunday suit for all my profile pictures. And all the men that do contact me are pushing 50 (again, what are you trying to tell me, Match???)

So I decided to do my own search and put in the qualities I'm looking for and all the matches came up in Ohio! Who knew?? Ladies, we obviously need to pack it up and head out there 'cuz that's where all the eligible bachelors are.

Add to this I had a dream last night that I was dating some nice specimen of a man...this man was light skinned and had curly hair, which is quite different from the nice, dark-skinned chocolate drops I've dated in the past. Light skinned, 50, Ohio...So maybe God is trying to tell me something here...Maybe what I'm looking for is in the packages I least expect...

Or, maybe I just need to forget the whole thing and get back to work... smh

My Church Dilemma - Part 2 (and maybe 3)

So I just realized that I never posted the second part of my church dilemma. Partically because Part 2 of my dilemma is a little convoluted, but I'll try and make you understand...

* As much as I love Buckhead Church, I'm starting to feel less connected there than I have in the past. The other week when I went to my first Fusion of the summer cycle, I remember walking through the door and thinking to myself "Wow, things sure have changed." Meaning, I've been going to BC for four years and I don't see any familiar faces anymore. All of the friends I made at past Fusions have either moved away or gone away to join the ranks of Marriage-dom. It's the same thing with Production. The production team has grown so much that I rarely get scheduled with the people I knew from way back when, and when I meet new people, it's rare that I get scheduled with them again. When I first started going to BC I could at least recognize faces. I used to stay at church for hours after it was over, just fellowshipping and having fun with friends.

But now I feel like one in a sea of faces and I come to church and then I leave and go home. And the thing about it is I'm very much involved in the church. I'm not a pew-sitter. I go to Fusion. And for some reason I just don't really feel like I"m connecting with my Fusion grouop. I'm in a small group. And my new small group is nice but it's nowhere near the level of relationship I experienced in my last small group. I do production. And I've already explained the problem with that. I used to also volunteer in the front office when we were at the grocery store so I knew practically all the staff. But now the staff isn't even the same, and many of the ones who are vets don't seem to remember me. It's very frustrating but I don't know if I should take this as a sign that I'm growing apart from BC or is it that I just need to keep trying to find my "crew" again? It's just very frustrating to be so invovled in a church where I used to feel like family and now I feel like a stranger. And I LOVE Buckhead Church! I don't want to leave! Hopefully the problem is that I just have to find my people again.

* My other church dilemma just has to do with the church as a whole. I'm still frustrated with the church and the direction we're taking. I've been on this rant before but I started to feel this way as I was sitting in that United Methodist church a couple weeks ago. The church is struggling, they're not really meeting their weekly offering goals, which made me think what happens to smaller churches like these? Are they supposed to just get eaten up by large ministries that have all the lights and smoke? I've seen many small churches try to solve this problem by mimicking what they see in larger churches--in other words, being something that they're not. I get a little aggrevated when I hear people from other churches putting Buckhead Church on a pedestal and trying to replicate everything we do. I believe Buckhead Church works because it is carrying out the mission that God has for Buckhead Church. God might have a totally different mission for your church.

My Church Dilemma - Part 1

Some of you may know this about me but I stopped listening to gospel music about 3-4 years ago. Cold turkey. This may come as a shock to others of you that know me because I used to be the gospel music queen. If you needed a CD or needed to know the name of a gospel artist, I was the first person to call. Well, I got to a point where I just got tired of it. All the songs started to sound the same. A lot of the lyrics weren't really saying anything that touched my soul. They felt predictable. I could turn the radio on and listen to a song I had never heard before and by the end of the first verse I could completely sing along, riffs and all. So I stopped listening to gospel and started listening to more Christian radio. This wasn't a far stretch for me, I've always liked this kind of music anyway so it was a natural switch. Then I started going to Buckhead Church and it furthered this switch because they never played gospel music. And all was right with the world. Until I stopped listening to Christian radio too for mostly the same reasons. The lyrics weren't as predictable but they did start to sound the same. And a little cheezy at times.

Well, fast forward to now, 4 years later and one day I realized that I didn't know any current gospel songs or artists, not to mention I found myself missing the sound of gospel and missing the movement and the soul of choirs and that type of worship. So what did I do? I turned on the gospel station. And what did I find? Well, that in the last 4 years, there hasn't really been a change of gospel artists. The same artists are still making music and the stations are still playing a lot of the same songs that they did 4 years ago. But it's all good. It's rekindled my love for gospel music and made me appreciate once again the soulful sounds of the genre.

Which brings me to my church dilemma. I guess because I've been listening to all this gospel music, lately I've been really desiring to hear a choir, to be around some soul, to get back to my "ruuts" (that's roots for those of you who don't read deep Southern slang :-). I don't want to leave Buckhead Church, I just want someplace I can go to hear some live gospel sounds. So I've been looking for some churches I could visit to get this experience. But then I get reminded of the 2-3 hour long services, the obsessions over appearance, the preacher hoopin' and the hollerin', all the announcement reading...and then I decide to pass. See, BC has spoiled me. I've gotten used to short services now and messages that get to the point without dragging things out forever and a day.

So yesterday I called myself trying to find a happy medium. I visited a local United Methodist church. I knew that it would be more traditional but hey, I grew up AME so how different could it be? I had heard of UM churches being a little stuffy but I went to their website and found out that they had a black woman pastor who taught at Spelman and a choir and I just thought maybe this could be the best of both worlds. Maybe she would bring just enough soul to the traditional church where things wouldn't drag on but the choir would be soulful and lively. Boy was I wrong!! There were about 4 people on the choir, so I didn't get that soulful experience I was looking for. But the service was fairly enjoyable. The message was good and the people were nice. If it wasn't for the fact that it smelled like mildew in there I would probably go back.

But I didn't accomplish my goal of finding a soulful church that I could visit outside of BC. I probably should've gone with my first instinct which was to go to Ray of Hope in Decatur. But again, I started thinking about all the other stuff that would probably come with going to a church like that and decided against it. Maybe next week I'll suck it up and go to ROH...

So that's Part 1 of my church dilemma. I want to hear some soul. But I don't want to leave Buckhead Church. I just want to hear some soul every now and then. It's probably wishful thinking to find a church with a lively choir and where services only last 1 - 1 1/2 hours. If anybody has any leads, let me know. I'll have to let you know about Part 2 of my church dilemma later 'cuz I gotta go get ready for work. Stay tuned!

Day 2 in NYC - Part 2

Yes, I know I just put up a post but I wanted to share some of the musings I had today while I was hanging out at Starbucks. Starbucks is starting to become a guilty pleasure for me. As much as I love my soy green tea lattes, I realize that there's something very narcissistic about paying exorbitant prices for a cup of tea with specialized milk as if it were some rare delicacy. Nevertheless, I succomb to the addiction just like many other Americans. That being said...

Here and There

As I sit here in Starbucks on Lexington and 78th at the counter facing the window I see a homeless woman walk by. Her hair is undone, her clothes are baggy and dirty. She has some kind of torn cloth or something stuck to the bottom of her shoes that flops around with every step she takes. I wonder what those clothes actually looked like in their better days. I wonder what's her name, what's her story. I notice she has a limp. I wonder if she's hurt, I wonder if she's tired. I wonder if she's crazy, if she's lonely, if she's hungry...I wonder, I wonder, I wonder...

There's an irony in knowing that she's there and we're here. And most of us in here don't even pay attention to the fact that she's there. We always ask ourselves What Would Jesus Do. Well, what would Jesus do if he were here? Would he care about her out there? He'd probably care about her more than he cares about us. I know in the grand scheme of things he loves us all the same. But we seem to have some things together. Because we're here. And she's there. We're drinking soy lattes when she probably has no water.

We're very full of ourselves, Americans we are. "Saints" included. We actually have to audacity to complain that our houses aren't big enough. Our cars aren't fast enough. Our hair isn't long enough. Our clothes aren't fashionable enough. When some people have no WATER. When do we ever have enough? When is enough, enough???...

Day 2 in NYC - Things I Learned Today

Boy am I one tired soul. I forgot that NYC requires so much walking! The good thing, though, is that I've gotten plenty of exercise and it's actually helped my back. It doesn't hurt as much as it has been.

Today I woke up and went for brunch at a place called Sarabeth's. I had a salmon scramble and it was good but it was no Flying Biscuit. After my brunch was when I realized that I was so exhausted from yesterday that I had to go back to my hotel room and take a nap. After resting up a bit I set out to go to the Met.

Since it was such a nice day out and my hotel is so close to Central Park, I got the bright idea to walk through the park to the east side. Huge mistake  -- well kind of. It took a really long time and I got really tired halfway through but once you get that far, there's no turning back. I started to get a little frustrated because I was losing time to spend at the Met. But then I decided to really take in the scenery surrounding me and the day suddenly got a whole lot better. I slowed down my walk, took a seat on a bench, and learned a lot of things during my time in Central Park:

• It's perfectly possible for me to entertain myself. Here I am in NYC with no set agenda and I am having a great time. How's that for an independent woman?
• NY is a place where you have to take risks. Even just getting around on a daily basis requires risk. Hanging out with my friend Rich last night and Priscilla today, I had no idea where I was going. But I had to just take the risk and get on the train and figure it out as I went along. Reading the signs. Such is life. Sometimes we gotta be willing to take risks and figure it out as we go.
• Living in the moment means focusing on and enjoying what's in front of you now instead of always waiting for the destination. For example, taking the time to enjoy Central Park rather than getting frustrated about getting to the Met. I was missing out on the beauty right in front of my face. Also, I'll admit that being here in NY has made me want to move back here. But then I realized that I've got great things going on in Atlanta that I still have yet to take advantage of. The grass always looks greener on the other side. Sometimes it's worth it to sow the seeds in your own yard first.
• The whole time I was here in NY I missed out on a lot. For one thing, I rarely ever went to the east side of town. So today's journey was quite an adventure in and of itself. It's different over there in those parts. For some reason it seems a little cleaner over there. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. 
• Throughout all these years, God has never let go of me. I've had ups and downs before and He's gotten me through. Why should I believe He'd stop now?
• I have to get back to TRUSTING God, not just believing in Him.
• I think me and Jon could have a great friendship if we both tried a teeny bit harder, and if we actually took the time to be friends (whether as boyfriend and girlfriend or not). I'm willing to try.
• Love means reaching out. I was watching this couple in Central Park and watchiing how they interacted with each other. She would put her head on his shoulder. They would read a book together. She would read his text messages on his phone. They would flirt with each other. All from this position. It was very sweet. 

So yeah, I did eventually make it to the Met but they were about to close so I just sat on the steps for a few minutes after trudging all that way through the park. I continued on my journey and went to Starbucks on Lexington & 78th. Then I went to Brooklyn to hang out with my friend Priscilla and her beautiful daughter Sophia. She made dinner and I had such a great time! It took me a long time to get home because I unknowingly got on an express train that skipped my stop. But after a lot of back and forth I finally made it back to my hotel.

Another great day in NY. I know I said it before but I am exhausted!! And, I am ready to go back home to the ATL. I think I got what I came here for. A renewed sense of purpose and drive. As I sat in Central Park, one of my favorite songs came on my iPod and I had to repeat it several times because it gave me great peace. The song is "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman. I'll leave you with the lyrics as a reminder that no matter where you are in life, God's always got your back and He always has something to say to you.

You Never Let Go

by Matt Redman

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Chorus:

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Day 1 in NYC - DO YOU!!

So today is my first day in NYC and so far I'm having a blast!

As soon as I stepped foot off the plane I felt the charge....ok, well maybe I'm being a bit dramatic. But getting on the NE Corridor to Penn Station just brought back all kinds of memories and took me back to a time in my life where I did my thang...

Which is why I wanted to come to NY this week. I'm starting to feel like I'm losing my mojo...like I'm getting to comfortable with things the way they are. I'm comfortable with getting in my car and driving around time. Not having to think, not having to figure things out. Not having to hustle. I just wanted to go someplace where I had to think on my toes again.

When I got to NY I could feel the energy. Everything felt the same as if I had never left it. All of Penn Station was in the same place, it smelled the same, it looked the same. My first stop in NY was my Ben's Pizza on Spring & Thompson. They have the best pizza around imo. They hadn't changed a bit either. Although they do lose one cool point because they no longer having fountain drinks (grape drink and coupon). That place used to be my hangout spot for lunch when I used to work at AIVF on Houston, so it felt good to be back there. For all you NJ/NY'ers who are longing for that REAL NY pizza, here's a picture:

There it is...

And there it went....

I tried to get a picture of the slice before I started eating it but I couldn't help myself. I just had to dig in. The white stuff on the plate is the powdered sugar from my two zeppoles, which were also always part of my routine. :-)

After my lunch, I went ahead and checked in my hotel. Boy is it TINY! Here are some pictures but I don't think the pictures even do justice of showing just how small this room is...

I wish I could've taken a pic of the shower but the bathroom is so small I can't get a good shot of the shower withiut stepping into the toilet. But aw well, I'm not complaining too much. It's a place to lay my head. And it's just for me so it works.

So after resting for a little while, I caught up with a friend of mine named Rich Chew. Rich was an actor in one of my first short films, Soul Connection. He invited me to come with him to a bible study for models. It was really good. I'm glad I went. Maybe I'll have to share more insight on it later because I'm getting increaingly sleepy.

All in all, I'm having  a good time. And what I love most about this trip is that I have wing me to do no agenda. I go wherever the wind takes me and in the meantime it's allowing me to DO ME! I get to set my own pace and chart my own life--not my schedule. Tomorrow I'm supposed to be having dinner with my friend Priscilla. I also make walk through Central Park, pay a visit to the MET  and take in the day.

I"ll keep you posted. Bur right now I'm pooped! I'll give you another recap tomorrow. Peace and G'night!

Ever Heard of the Virtuous Husband?

I discovered an interesting blog the other day...that of Rev. Renita Weems. She's a bible scholar and minister in the AME church. A couple of her writings have stood out to me and have given me a lot to chew on in the past couple of days. One of them had to do with the notion of the Virtuous Woman found in Proverbs 31. Here is an exerpt of what she has to say:

On the surface of it Proverbs 31: 10-30 is seems to be directed at to women, but at close glance you quickly figure out that the poem is actually something of a manual for young men on how to choose a good wife. It is a poem to the virtual wife, not virtuous wife; the fantasy wife, not a real flesh-and-blood wife. The woman in the poem is supposed to be the exact opposite of the shrew, the temptress, and the sluggard who are talked a lot about in Proverbs. What man wouldn’t want a wife who is prepared to sacrifice her sanity, health, and life to care for her husband and children? I would love to have a wife like that myself. It’s the kind of poem many Christian women have been made guilty for not living up to. It’s the kind of poem men, Christian and otherwise, walk around with in their heads whether they know it or not as a template for womanhood.....But what are the qualifications for a husband? Where does one find a virtuous man? Now there’s a thought....

There were a lot of interesting points raised in the article, but it really made me wonder what does a virtuous man look like? Women are so often held up to this standard for living up to this virtuous woman. Sometimes it does feel like a bit of oppression because I feel like some Christian men hold this stick up to determine if a woman is "worthy", and when a woman does not fit that mold, they are often left feeling "worth-less" or undesireable. I've been to a lot of churches that focus on teaching young girls to be virtuous but oftentimes the same emphasis is not put on the boys. Go to any Christian bookstore and you'll find lots of books about How to Be a Good Woman, How to Wait for Your Boaz, How to Be Single etc. etc. Believe me, 'cuz a lot of these books are on my shelf. There are some books for men out there but I think the ratio of books and advice for men pales in comparison to those for women.

But read Renita Weems entire article for yourself so you can see the above comment in context. I'd love to hear your thoughts...

Putting the Pieces of My Faith Back Together Again

When I talk to many of my Christian friends, we all tend to lament over those days that we've admirably coined "Our Thunder Christian Days." Those were the days when we were so excited for God, which is a good thing, but we let that excitement cause us to belittle other people who we didn't feel were on the same "level" as us. Or the days when everything in life was considered a sin. The times when it was a sin to listen to secular music, it was a sin to have a glass of wine, it was a sin to go out dancing, it was almost a sin to wear jeans to church on Sunday, etc...etc...

When I look back on those times now, some of it seems kinda silly. But at the same time I look back fondly on that kind of excitement and passion that I had for something happening in my life. That was a time in my life where nothing else mattered except praising God. I didn't really care too much about money or material things, I just assumed God would take care of those needs. My main focus was the kingdom and seeing people (particularly young people) take joy in the Savior that I had found.

I've realized lately that that kind of passion is missing in my life now. And it's not so much because I've become more of a "liberal" Christian who actually read the Bible and discovered that many of the things that the CHURCH says are wrong are not necessarily backed up by biblical text. (I've discovered that it's ok to be a Christian and still LIVE LIFE). But I realized that a large part of it came from a theology that I embraced that replaced my worship of God with my worship of me. At some point, my relationship with the Father turned into a relationship with things He was going to bless me with. My prayers became less "God, save the souls of man" and more of "God, bless MY business," and "God, enlarge MY territory," and "God, give ME money." All in all, it was all about God, bless ME, ME, ME.

I feel like I lost my relationship with God for those few years of my life. Almost as though for those few years my Christianity turned into an imposter. And that angers me even more than my "Thunder Christian Days"...

I knew that I was dealing with this since I first moved to Atlanta. After awhile I got tired of running around throwing money on the altar talking about "It's my season!" and "It's my time for a breakthrough!" I got tired of the blessings slogans and began to wonder how come my church talked a lot about being blessed and about achieving success and being placed before great men, but little talk about feeding the poor and caring for the least of these, which is the kind of stuff Jesus talked about. I struggled with this my first few years here and had lots of questions, which is how I eventually found Buckhead Church. Their Starting Point Ministry was a safe place for me to process those questions.

But I'm starting to see now that the theology is something that still bothers me. It still affects me. 4-5 years later, I still get angry when I hear certain terminology that is used in those circles. I still get angry when I hear about the claims of certain televangelists. And I'm not sure if this is a righteous anger that God is going to use in some way? Or is it something I just need to get over? I feel like I'm having to put the pieces of my faith and what I believe in, what I'm passionate about back together again. I'm trying to figure out what my theology is now, and at the same time, longing for the passion (but not the judgement) that I once had during my "Thunder Christian Days", the days when nothing else mattered...

And I know that there are scriptures that talk about blessings and enlarging territories and all that, but where's the balance?? Where did this theology come from????

I hope somebody out there feels me on this. I don't have answers but maybe we can process it together. God, help me with my anger. But I feel robbed.